I've moved

It has come to my attention that I didn't inform readers of this blog (as if there are any) that I have moved my blog to livejournal.

http://mau78.livejournal.com

Hot Coals

My friend Brandon just sent me a good quote:

"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one that gets burned."




"That's a good one!"

R.I.P. in Heaven

Here I am again after a long absence. I hope this does not become routine. Warning: This one is going to be a downer.

Lenny and I finally broke up for good on Friday night. I'll spare you the details, but in the end, we're just not compatible as partners, even though I really do believe we care about each other very deeply. Despite that we really do come from very different places physically and otherwise, somehow we found a way to love each other for enough time to think we'd be together forever. The problem was, in thinking about my life and where I envisioned my future, I couldn't see him there by my side. I thought that perhaps, over time, we'd grow together and become close in a way that I couldn't understand in the short term. Unfortunately, that never happened. The petty trappings of a relationship and not being able to fulfill each other's needs in a positive way spelled the death of our relationship.

Breaking up with someone is a feeling that is one of the saddest lonliest feelings I've ever felt. Especially here in this place, Denver, that still sometimes feels so far from home and so far from the people who care about me. Last night I dreamed Lenny and I were standing somewhere out in the barren landscape. We faced each other, then he turned and I watched him walk him out of my sight, the wind blowing dust, until his tiny figure was no longer on the horizon...walking away gone forever. I didn't cry, but thinking about it now makes my eyes wet with tears and makes my heart ache. I was left standing alone...without the person who made this place feel less far away and being without the large safety net of others not as important. It seems that life can be so unfair when it taks away someone who it gave you in such an intimate way. Its hard to comprehend the sadness I feel knowing he won't be there next to me when I wake up in the morning. Its even harder to comprehend that maybe, one day, we will forget the person with whom we shared so many loving, intimate moments.

I will say that we tried. We worked through things that most people would have walked away from a long time ago. But neither of us could fake it anymore. Optimistic feelings can't be passed from hand to hand. When you handle them, they tend to die.

I'll go to bed tonight with Mr T back where he likes to be, in the bed next to me. And, I'll try to dream of what waits for me on the opposite horizon from Lenny. Hopefully I'll wake up happy knowing that I have everything I want ahead of me.

Octave

Ok, so I know I gush about my favorite songs a lot on here. I'm about to do it again for the song Angeleyes.

This morning, while I was driving to work in the post snowstorm sunny slushy blaze on I-25, the blue sky and white snow reminded me of the cover of Voulez-Vous. So, I put it on and started listening to, well, Angeleyes.

I love the girl's voices in the verses of this song. Agnetha is singing one octave higher than Frida, who is singing lower than she probably normally would. Agnetha is a soprano and Frida is a mezzosoprano with a nice dark quality to her voice. The juxstaposition of the voices perfectly fits with the theme of the song....its a woman singing about seeing her lover with someone else and she is sad, weakend a little bit. But, she's also feels the the haunting, angry, yet realistic feeling that she is with someone who is beautiful and charming, but won't be able to commit to just her. Agentha's higher voice perfectly potrays the weak and sad, while Frida's voice gives shows us this person's realistic resignation that her relationship is over.

We've all been in realationships like this. You're with someone who is enchatingly beautiful in some way, they make you feel great and they hurt you easily. But, at the same time you know its never going anywhere...they're just looks...they're playing. You know you're never going to get what you want. You know better, but you're just a little sad and hurt in that young love kind of way.

That's pop music at its finest. I love when songs can paint a colorful picture with many different feelings and emotions coming through simultaneously.

ABBA's later music is great like this...they paint a big beautiful picture...The themes are serious and honest, but never depressing or overly sad. Maybe they know that even in sadness and pain, you can find some happiness and beauty.

Last night I was taking a walk along the river
And I saw him together with a young girl
And the look that he gave her made me shiver

’Cause he always used to
Look at me that way
and I thought ...
Maybe I should walk
Right up to her and say
It’s a game he likes to play ....

Look into his angeleyes
One look and you’re hypnotized
He’ll take your heart and you must pay the price
Look into his angeleyes
You’ll think you’re in paradise
And one day you’ll find out
He wears a disguise
Don’t look too deep into those angeleyes


Sometimes when I’m lonely I sit
And think about him and it hurts to remember all the good times
When I thought I could never live without him
And I wonder ...
Does it have to be the same
Every time when I see him will it bring back all the pain ?
How can I forget that name ?

Deep Thoughts

Ok, not quite in bed yet. I saw this one on Chad's blog. I figured since I'm working on a big project at work, this might be interesting:

Your Scholastic Strength Is Deep Thinking

You aren't afraid to delve head first into a difficult subject, with mastery as your goal. You are talented at adapting, motivating others, managing resources, and analyzing risk. You should major in: Philosophy Music Theology Art History Foreign language

What Should You Major In?

I definitely like music and history...I was a French major in college...and art...well, I like to cook. Does that count?

See ya round...

Another long day. I'm beat. I took the donut quiz.

I don't really like Boston cream donuts, but Boston Cream Pie is an integral part of me and Hamm becoming friends.

You Are a Boston Creme Donut

You have a tough exterior. No one wants to mess with you. But on the inside, you're a total pushover and completely soft. You're a traditionalist, and you don't change easily. You're likely to eat the same doughnut every morning, and pout if it's sold out.

What Donut Are You?

Objection!

I've just spent the last 4 hours or so watching Law & Order. I think I'm obsessed. I've loved this show for as long as I can remember. When my sister and I were in high school, we used to stay up late watching Law & Order re-runs on A&E. I've been out of high school for almost 10 years, so I think its safe to say that this show has been on for awhile. Its also something that me, my Dad, and my sister can all bond over during times we're all at home. Good memories. We all totally dig the wise-cracking detetcive, Lennie Brisoce, and the hard but fair justice executed by DA Jack McCoy. Its the ADA that we all have different feelings about...do you like Claire? Abbie? Jamie? Serena? I'm kind of a Claire fan overall, but seem to like the intelligence and stoicism of Jamie. Abbie wins hands down for style.

All this tube time was brought on by a need to do something other than WORK. As I've mentioned, I've been busy as a bee. Tonight was the first night when I could afford to take some me time. LS is off somewhere with one of his friends and its been nice having some QT alone. All I need is some Glenlivet on the rocks, just like Jack!

Now, of course, I'm listening to ABBA. This weeks songs are "If It Wasn't For the Nights" and "Me and I." These songs are what I like the most about ABBA. Big sounds, big hooks, and big, layered Agnetha & Frida harmonies. I just can't get enough!

Now I'm going to bed 'cause I have an 8 am meeting tomorrow. I'm going to have try to make the dumbest c*** wh*** in my office understand something we're working on. She is impossible to work with and basically I hate her so its not going to be fun. I'm so positive.

Where Blogs Come First

Well here I am back again blogging.

Today is another busy day at work for me, and blogging is helping me focus on what I need to be doing. I can get so wrapped up in things that my quality of work suffers because I totally lose sight of what I'm supposed to be doing.

I just had lunch with my friend B at CPK. We had a good chat (as always) about being in relationships and how to be a good partner, boyfriend, whatever. I am learning every day how much I don't know and how much I can grow to be a better person. Its scary, but exciting too.

As we were leaving the restaurant, a shiny new black Mercedes was pulling up. Who was behind the wheel? Well, it was none other than Kim Christiansen of 9News at 4o'clock! I'm sure she was taking pizzas to Mark, Kirk and Kathy to munch on while they try to decide what word to use on today's keyword quiz.

Now I'm just working away (well, Blogging at the moment). Today is the 4 month anniversary of me and LS dating, so we are going out to dinner tonight to celebrate. Hopefully, we'll be dining at Three Sons in NW Denver.

Otherwise, that's it! Happy Tuesday!!