R.I.P. in Heaven

Here I am again after a long absence. I hope this does not become routine. Warning: This one is going to be a downer.

Lenny and I finally broke up for good on Friday night. I'll spare you the details, but in the end, we're just not compatible as partners, even though I really do believe we care about each other very deeply. Despite that we really do come from very different places physically and otherwise, somehow we found a way to love each other for enough time to think we'd be together forever. The problem was, in thinking about my life and where I envisioned my future, I couldn't see him there by my side. I thought that perhaps, over time, we'd grow together and become close in a way that I couldn't understand in the short term. Unfortunately, that never happened. The petty trappings of a relationship and not being able to fulfill each other's needs in a positive way spelled the death of our relationship.

Breaking up with someone is a feeling that is one of the saddest lonliest feelings I've ever felt. Especially here in this place, Denver, that still sometimes feels so far from home and so far from the people who care about me. Last night I dreamed Lenny and I were standing somewhere out in the barren landscape. We faced each other, then he turned and I watched him walk him out of my sight, the wind blowing dust, until his tiny figure was no longer on the horizon...walking away gone forever. I didn't cry, but thinking about it now makes my eyes wet with tears and makes my heart ache. I was left standing alone...without the person who made this place feel less far away and being without the large safety net of others not as important. It seems that life can be so unfair when it taks away someone who it gave you in such an intimate way. Its hard to comprehend the sadness I feel knowing he won't be there next to me when I wake up in the morning. Its even harder to comprehend that maybe, one day, we will forget the person with whom we shared so many loving, intimate moments.

I will say that we tried. We worked through things that most people would have walked away from a long time ago. But neither of us could fake it anymore. Optimistic feelings can't be passed from hand to hand. When you handle them, they tend to die.

I'll go to bed tonight with Mr T back where he likes to be, in the bed next to me. And, I'll try to dream of what waits for me on the opposite horizon from Lenny. Hopefully I'll wake up happy knowing that I have everything I want ahead of me.